2s4y Sketch 56

I thought I had the perfect idea for this sketch...but once I started trying to pull it together, I struggled. I spent all afternoon trying different things and ended up with this take on the sketch. I'm not in love with it - in fact, I would appreciate some honest feedback about it. I can't figure out what it is I don't like or how to fix it... just that it doesn't sing to me. Anybody have some advise on it?